I prayed a prayer not too long ago asking God to humble my heart. I’ve been living on the easy track for the past couple of months and I must confess my life has been full of sloth and gluttony. I remember the reason for my prayer: so that I could live life more Christ-like. Well let me go with the first thing that has been bothering me: my job. My job consists of calling people and asking them if they want to take an accident prevention course. Well for one, I am not used to asking people that I don’t know to do things, and number two I am not used to people rejecting me. I will be totally honest with you, I am not used to rejection. I am used to people liking me and when I find out someone doesn’t like me, I choose to just ignore them or not think about it. It might be a sense of pride that I have in myself that I don’t really think of consciously but it is sub-consciously there. I know I am a likable person but it isn’t something I flaunt. Every single call that I make I am scared to death of the person rejecting me. This has been bothering me for some time now and you might say “Joel, just leave the job and find something else that is easier… Well, I think God might actually have a plan for me, he might be building me mentally and emotionally to give me a tiny, JUST a tiny fraction of what it was like for Jesus to be rejected. I know this will build my character and even though I suck at this job I’ll continue on with it. In the beginning I was all about the money for this job…But…The money doesn’t mean much to me anymore as I’m trying to use this to better myself. This is another reason why I am scared to evangelize, knowing full well that I have EXCELLENT NEWS for a person but being scared of rejection. Maybe this is a way for God to prepare me for something. Like, “Okay Joel…I know you aren’t good at spreading the good news, but here, let me start you off with something smaller, just call people and ask them to take this driving course and maybe soon you’ll understand how it feels like to be rejected”. It may sound dumb but this is something I am actually really scared of… Like REALLY scared of. The funny thing is though…I’m not really that afraid of public speaking, I’m more afraid of one to one conversations because it’s more personal. So I sit there with all these thoughts going through my head as I’m about to call the next person, and in anticipation as I’m waiting and the phone rings, no one picks up. I continue this over and over again and 80-90% of the time no one picks up…I know I’ll get used to this after a while but I have a feeling God is using this so I can share this in a testimony: "I was once deathly afraid of evangalism…I didn’t know where to start and everytime I got rejected I became more and more discouraged…Up to the point where I decided to stop…Then God had other plans for me, he gave me an opportunity to talk to others but the consequences of them rejecting me for this other good news (saving 10% on your car insurance) were not as big, but it was still rejection. In this world as Christians, we will be rejected and spit upon…And God is starting me somewhere small…"The number two thing that has been bothering me is school. I am only taking a three credit course but how is it that I find it so hard to study? It’d ridiculously hard for me to take an hour or two of my day just to study…Maybe it’s because this job situation is bothering me so much. I have it all planned out…I work from Monday to Wednesday, and maybe sometimes squeeze in a Saturday if I need the cash, and then study some everyday…But the more free time I have…The harder it is to study and the bigger hole I dig myself into as I procrastinate. I need to study more and I plan to right after this post. The number three thing that has been bothering me is my family. Being at home so much, I am going insane having to deal with my parents. My parents don’t ever really compliment…At least not me. I would say of all my siblings, I am the most care-free. It might be because I am the youngest so I am spoiled to death, but they don’t really compliment me. They call me lazy, careless, messy, unorganized and time and time again they keep comparing me with other people. At first it didn’t phase me, but after a while it started to bother the crap out of me. Word’s can do a lot of damage to people, and even though my parents mean well it bothers me a lot. I don’t have any privacy here at home and that also affects me when I am trying to WORK. How the crap do I make calls when I have my mom walking around distracting me?! It’s hard enough as it is but she is always bothering me somehow! Time and time again I tell myself to just find a job where I can be outside of home and not be bothered here but like I said…No more taking the easy way out…
With all that said, I feel hopeless but God is telling me to press on. In time all will be well… It may not be tomorrow…It may not be next week but it will be soon. I think all of this could be dealt with if I just learn to humble myself. One of favorite quotes come from C.S. Lewis
Humility is not thinking less of yourself…But thinking of yourself less
I need to stop thinking “what if this person rejects ME”, or “why can’t my parents just leave ME alone”, and just stop thinking about my own pride and selfishness and start to think about others…I don’t know…I feel kind of depressed. I don’t know what it is, it may be the fact that I am not in college and this transition home is so harsh…Who knows. All I know is that God is sculpting me and he has plans for me. Well if you read through this whole thing, thanks for having interest in my life…And dang you must be bored! It’s mad long so I’m not even going to bother to proofread it. PEACE.